Time. Thats what the world revovles about

On ambition

2012-01-27T23:57:00.004+08:00

If you did not win, you did not want it enough.

At least, that is what I believe.

When two opponents fight in the finals for the top position, both want to best the other. Why does the winner come out on top? Simply because he wanted to win more. He trained harder, longer, fiercer. He fought better, stronger, faster. If the referee is discriminating against you, no matter. Beat the odds. Be prepared for anything. Even the underdogs can win. If you lose, blame no one and nothing but yourself. You could have won if you had given more blood, sweat and tears during training. Prove that you can overcome whatever the world throws at you. There is no such thing as giving your all. There are no limits. You give your all and more. When you think you reached your limit, push on to beyond.

Pain is temporary, glory is forever.

While writing this, it dawned upon me that this is in direct contradiction to my previous post on gratitude. I demanded a passive stance of being thankful for and satisfied with my current state. Perhaps I am being selectively passive-aggressive. After all, the human mind is so malleable to suit its own needs. This is probably a case of someone who twists arguments to advantageously justify his own line of thought. Politicians do this all the time. That is why they always think they are correct and infallible. Because all their decisions are backed by solid(?) arguments.

Otherwise it could be that I am multi-faceted and can adopt both ideas simultaneously. Only that I have not yet understood how these opposing traits could possibly mesh together in a reasonable manner to form my character.

Gratitude and passiveness

2012-01-26T18:35:00.004+08:00

Of course, with the household bills paid for, a roof over my head, meals taken care of, a bed to sleep on, a computer to use, I can laugh at the foolishness of those others who chase after money and branded goods.

What is more important is whether I would still feel the same had I none of the comforts I enjoy daily. Had I been born into a poor family, worrying about where I would sleep for the night, or when my next meal would be, would I become a slave of capitalism?

It is highly likely that my dearth of interest towards materialism and reputation stems from my sheltered environment. Or at least, it has played a part in making me as such. Surely, there are other factors in play, since my siblings are so unlike myself in this matter. I freely admit that I am representing an extreme opinion. The years spent in Catholic schools must have exposed me to many people who upheld their belief of Faith, Love and Charity in their everyday lives.

One shining example would be my secondary school teacher. If Christians are people who try to be like Christ, he is undoubtedly a Christian. I cannot say the same for many others.

They taught me that the most important thing in life was God. Everything else was secondary. However, this has now become a moot point, since I no longer profess to be Catholic. Nevertheless, I still carry some of those sterling values they instilled with me. The one I speak of today is gratitude.

I was taught how to appreciate everything, no matter how small. They always say, the sum of all the little things can become bigger than the single great thing. Whatever comes my way, good or bad, I am thankful for. I especially love the hymn, Thank You, Lord. This is the first verse.

Thank you Lord, for the trials that come my way,
In that way I can grow each day, as I let you lead.
And I thank you Lord, for the patience those trials bring,
In that process of growing, I can learn to care.

I can remember most of the lyrics by heart, save for some errors or omissions here and there. You would not believe it, but I led this hymn for the prayer session during graduation. So much has changed since I left secondary school.

Of course, I do forget myself sometimes and lose my temper, especially with my mother. I do not know why logic does not apply to our arguments. It just gets me all angry and silly. Stay calm, stay calm. We can work things out (albeit unreasonably so, which means I lose, anyway).

Anyway, showing gratitude for everything makes me content with what I have. It helps with justifying to myself why I can live without attempting to strike it rich, or why I can live without ostentatiously attracting the attention of people around me. I tell myself to be satisfied. That I am glad just the way life is. Adding the extra spice will not necessarily make me extraordinarily joyous.

I am ordinary me, being ordinarily happy. If I were strapped for cash, I would still try to be happy for the little things. And of course, always happy for the gift of life.

Financial independence plan

2012-01-25T20:32:00.002+08:00

I have not been drawing an allowance from my parents since about two years ago, when I started to receive my army pay. Now that I am finished with my service, I work part time to earn the extra cash. Most of my money actually goes to paying my gymnastics fees, and the next runner up would be the bills of all the meals when I eat out. Other than the miscellaneous items that I spend on (birthday presents or the recent gambling spree), I do not usually spend my money on anything else.

Perhaps I should also start paying my own phone bill. I have no idea how this phone business works. I am only using a super old phone plan with 500 (I think?) free sms and about 100 odd minutes of free talk time. Free incoming too! (But such a feature is so common nowadays, forget I ever mentioned it.) My friends and dad keep bugging me to get a smartphone. Perhaps I might get one. If I do, I should start by taking over the payment of the phone bill, then I can upgrade the plan when it is time to renew to one with a data plan and all. It is all so complicated though, unlike my trusty old Nokia with its trusty old flashlight. No camera.

There are probably only three reasons why I do not want to change my phone. First, my phone is functional. It does not give me problems and best of all, I only need to charge it once every few days. (Beat that, smartphone users!) Second, I have some messages inside that I want to keep. Old reminders that I do not want to forget. (Because I forget things too easily.) Third, I find smartphones too bulky. I like my Nokia very much because of the small size - it fits into my pocket so easily!

Perhaps once I understand how all the various phone plans work, I will change to either an Apple or Android smartphone. Most likely I will be too lazy to get down to understanding all the intricate details of each plan though.

Anyway, most probably I will not be able to keep up with this once university commences. I will have to depend on my parents to foot my tuition fees. Unless of course, I obtain a scholarship. Perhaps this time (unlike for the phone plans), I will be motivated enough to apply come March. God willing, I am given the scholarship, I would be able to continue to be financially independent. Well, sort of, because I am still having free meals at home most of the time.

CNY 12

2012-01-24T23:59:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year has come and I have been spending the past few days celebrating it.

Now I feel quite bad because I have not been working hard at all. In fact, all my time was wasted on playing computer games, eating a lot of steamboat, gambling, going out and such. I probably messed up my body clock already, sleeping late (for example, at nine o'clock this morning) for the past few days.

Times like these, I ask myself: How much do you want it?

Doing everything like the first time.

2012-01-19T23:59:00.003+08:00

Memories fade with time. Things you once recalled with precise vividness now becomes a grainy sketch. This is especially true for me. I forget things fast. Army life now seems so distant, needless to say my time in school is just a hazy mess now. I still can remember general things, but it is an uphill task to pinpoint individual days or events.

Why is my conscious memory different from dreams? Why do I wake up with the details of the dream so clear in my mind, but as the day goes along, I find it almost impossible to recount the experience? I forget my dreams so much faster than my conscious experiences.

What would it be like if we had impeccable memory? Would we be plagued by guilt and shame for every wrong deed we have committed? Or would we simply block them out and avoid thinking of them?

On another note, I could have the easiest time studying. Taking one look at the textbook and everything will be permanently stored in my head.

I wonder what it is like to suffer from short-term memory. Like if you woke up everyday, being unable to recall not only your dreams, but the day before as well. Like in the movie 50 First Dates. (I haven't watched it myself, but I've read about it on IMDb.) We would be living without a past. Living only in the present. I guess, everything will be so much more fun because I will be doing it for the "first" time every time. Maybe that is how it is with everything. The way to inject fun into anything is to approach it as if you are doing it for the first time. Then life would always be exciting. Perhaps.

Or maybe that is just being childish?

Rhetorics and Politics are not my cuppa' tea

2012-01-18T23:37:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I thought that maybe I could be a politician, seeing as to how some people could actually hold the office whilst being so utterly ridiculous. I just watch them speak and I wonder if they actually think before opening their mouths. Or whether they actually have a heart or not.

But today my friend posted video of a parliament debate, and since he gave his endorsement, I decided to check it out. I was paying attention for the first 1 or 2 minutes, before I got bored and gave up. Thinking about it, all the debating and long speeches will just suffocate me. Not to mention all the red tape I have to navigate through.

Alas, I will have to change the world via another avenue.

Visiting bosco at work

2012-01-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

I went to Bukit Timah today, where my friend works as a waiter at a family-run Korean restaurant. The place is pretty neat, homely and classy at the same time. The lady-boss was very nice and friendly. I would not be surprised if she knew every customer personally. Most of the other people I saw coming in were regulars.

I decided to order more, since half of me wanted to everything on the menu, and the other half wanted to give my friend face. So when the food arrived, I had two (or maybe three) people's worth of food to finish up. To top it off, the lady-boss also gave me a complimentary plate of sushi-like appetizer.

The food was tasty and delicious. The price is pretty decent too. And I learnt how to say thank you in Korean. The place is called Ga Ya Geum Family Restaurant at basement 2 of Bukit Timah Shopping Center.

Anyway, I came across this wonderful quote that originates from (you wouldn't believe this) Skyrim.

"What is better - to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?"
- Paarthurnax (who is some dragon in the game)

Just to make things clear, I do not play Skyrim. If I did, I guess I could forget about blogging this regularly.

I found an answer on (you wouldn't believe this either) Yahoo! answers.

Overcoming evil would be better because through that you would also have come to understand it thus making you less likely to fall through it again.

Somehow I think I am becoming an old man. Strange.

A rogue ant

2012-01-16T23:34:00.002+08:00

I found out today that I have been playing a simplified version of To Zanarkand. Got the full version printed out and - to my horror - I saw that some chords required me to stretch my fingers a chord and two keys wide. Not that this will keep me from trying anyhow.

Talked with Aunty Amy at the bookshop today. She gave me bak kwa (bless her kind soul) while we talked about anything and everything. It seemed that her visit to the eye specialist went better than expected. The doctor proclaimed that there was nothing wrong with her eye. It seems that she sees okay now too.

I wonder what it is like to envision our lives in a longer perspective. Like how we look at ants and how they hatch from their little eggs, grow up, work and then die. Is that what God sees? Little people, quickly growing old and serious, working their ass off all day, running around in fast forward acting important, and then dying. Don't blink, God, because if you do, you might miss my lifetime entirely.

Put like that, our lives seem pretty clockwork and mechanical, really. Like the ants bustling about their business everyday, most of us end up working endlessly for who knows what. I actually want to be a rogue ant. I want to run away from the queen we call Capitalism and enjoy myself. I want to bite all the sweet treats and sip all the sweet drinks (your urine included, if you have diabetes). I want to leave the nest and strike it out on my own. I want a life lived fully in every way, and this is all the more important, seeing at how short an ant lives.

Perhaps you prefer to be a worker ant, though.

Remember that you must die.

2012-01-15T20:53:00.003+08:00

When I visited him when he was a mere child, he cried that he wanted to make the world a better place. I let him be.

When I visited him when he was an adolescent, he told me that he could not possibly leave all his friends. I let him be.

When I visited him in his teens, he pleaded that he still had so many things to experience. I let him be.

When I visited him in his adulthood, he explained to me how crucial and important he was in his community and society. I let him be.

When I visited him during his old age, he argued how he still had not yet explored the world and experienced life fully. I let him be.

When I visited him during his final hour, he refused to let go of my brother, and wanted some more time to settle his unfinished business. I took him anyway.

People think that they have all the reasons to stay. Perhaps they do not understand, there is no good reason. I do not differentiate between young and old, rich or poor. I take who I may, with or without warning, quickly or slowly. I could have taken him anytime. He was lucky.

You may not be as fortunate.
Tonight you may close your eyes, never to open them again.

Memento mori.

A short story on the truth of happiness

2012-01-14T23:15:00.000+08:00

A man was depressed. He saw no good from anything at all. The cup was always half-empty, things always went wrong, no one could understand him. Every day he would be an uphill struggle to get through. He had a boring job, a plain house, an ordinary life. If only he could have an exciting job, like those celebrities he watches on television every night. If only he could live in an extravagant mansion, like those tycoons he read about on the newspapers every morning. If only he lived an extraordinary life.

One day he read this quote:
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
- Ernest Hemingway

It immediately became clear to him that he was different. The only reason why he was so jaded with life was that he was too intelligent. He could not work boring jobs, stay in plain houses, or live mundanely. He was meant for greater things. He deserved better. Suddenly his unhappiness was justified. For a brief period, he was happy.

But slowly and surely, he sank back down into self-pity. He realised that telling himself that he was more intelligent was little consolation for the lousy life he was living. In the depths of his sorrow, he finally sought out a wise man and lamented: "Life was unfair: How can those less intelligent people be happily enjoying their lifestyle while I - who is more intelligent - end up in this hole?"

The wise man shook his head and replied: "You are not intelligent. If you were truly intelligent, you would understand that there will always be disparity between the rich and the poor. You would know that intelligence does not decide if you were at the top of the ladder, or down below. And then, you would not complain to me about fate's 'unfair' treatment towards you."

He was shocked at this revelation, that all this time he was being fooled by himself. In a fluster, he made one more attempt at deciphering his sorry state.

"But why do I always feel sad? Why am I rarely happy? Wasn't it said that happiness is rarely found in intelligent people?"

"Intelligent people believe that they see more than others. They believe that they know more than the average crowd. And what they think they know is that the future is bleak. That every action is futile against inevitable end. Perhaps they feel suddenly reach a conclusion that life is meaningless, or that humanity is too volatile to possibly survive itself. Maybe they have seen how it is with people, the hate and violence. The ugliness of mankind is too far gone to be saved."

"Does that mean that incredibly smart people can never be happy?"

"Anyone can be happy. All you need to do is to open your life to love. For you, you must begin by loving yourself. You look at your job and house and life and wish for something special. Another jobless, homeless man would dream to be in your shoes. Every time we fail to appreciate something we have, we have lost a slice of happiness."

The man went back home chastised and enlightened. All his life, he failed to understand that he should have been counting the little blessings he always had. Food, clothes, a roof over his head, a job that paid his expenses, and the gift of life. With the advice he received, his life became more colourful and meaningful. Granted, he still did not have his expensive car or luxurious house, but that did not matter to him as much now.

Happiness is worth much more than material wealth.

Except when one day he came across another quote:
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are so confident while the intelligent are full of doubt.
- Bertrand Russell

A dreadful thought occurred in his head: What if, the wise man, so confident in his words, was stupid and wrong? Why was he not more careful and unsure about his ideas, as intelligent people would?

He was terribly upset. The man mulled over the implications for days and weeks, before finally mustering enough courage to confront the wise man again.

"Sir, how can you be sure that love is the key to happiness? Perhaps you were wrong?"

To which the wise man replied: "Young man, I never claimed to be correct - I was only sharing my opinion, which may be wrong and most certainly incomplete. However, I must point out that not all stupid people are confident, and not all intelligent people are doubtful. I do not claim to be either."

"Well, if you weren't sure as to whether your views were correct, why did you bother to share them with me? What if you are wrong and it isn't true?"

"Ah, you asked me your questions, so I gave you my answers. But if what I said led you to happiness, then wasn't it true for you?"

What is love?

2012-01-13T13:56:00.003+08:00

I was thinking about it on my bed last night, when I finally realised the three big questions the messes up everything.

The first, as mentioned yesterday, was whether one can stop loving.
I am inclined to believe that one cannot simply just stop loving another. How can you just forget everything?

The second is related to the first. If it is true that you cannot stop loving a person, then when you meet someone new and you love this new character in your life, it necessarily means that you are loving two people right now. So the second question is: Is it possible to carry more than one person in your heart at the same time?
But the thing is, if you can hold two different individuals in your heart at the same time, then why is it that most times, the two people come at different periods of your life, and not at the same time? If you can love both, why is it you have to choose between the two?

The third question, I suppose, will answer the first two questions for me. Except we will never be able to pin down an answer for this one. What is love?
What does it mean to love someone? Is the love you have for a spouse the same kind of love you have for your children and parents? Is it just intimacy and emotional attachment?

Well, looks like we have hit a dead end over here.
We just pick the most likely answers and continue to muddle through life.

How do you stop loving someone?

2012-01-12T23:59:00.002+08:00

I got on the subject of relationships with my friend yesterday, and the conversation brought out several of the ideas I held in my head. However, it was in such a haphazard and messy condition that my argument must have seemed to be confusing at best (or gibberish ramblings at worst). When something like that happens, it means I need to re-examine my thoughts. Perhaps a clearer and more meaningful thought process might be achieved.

This must be one of the most complex matter yet. It should have a Handle With Care sticker pasted on.

How do you know if someone is the right one for you?

Do we choose our parents? Are they the right ones? Actually, there is no right or wrong parents. They just are. Your parents are your parents whether you like it or not. The choice is not yours to make. You cannot say that your parents are not the right ones for you, that the neighbours next door are the ones meant for you. The fact remains that your parents gave you life. You just cannot ask if they are right or not. It is irrelevant.

It gets a much more delicate when we delve into the realm of relationships and partners. These we get to choose. We have a choice to choose our own circle of friends, who we like or dislike, who we love and who we hate. How do we know if a person is right? We tend to use the traits and habits of the person as a gauge of how "right" the person is for you. Simply put, whether the person is good enough for you. What if being "right" does not have anything to do with all that? How many times have people said that they were looking for this, this and this in a partner, yet ended up with that, that and that? What if, just like how you do not choose your parents, you also do not choose your partner? She just is. No explanation needed.

Sometimes a person feels right. You get together, but after awhile you realise that the person is just not cut out. The feeling is not right anymore. How can we trust our own intuition, if our feelings can be wrong? Maybe we should amend the statement and say: She just is, for now.

I think we got ahead of ourselves. We are sinking into a pool of quicksand because of how vague this whole "right" business is. What does it mean to be the right one? (Or as some romantics might want to put it, simply, the One.) Off the top of my head, I would say that the One means
someone you are able to connect to at a deep level and can envision spending your life with. There I go again with vague words. Being connected to someone at a deep level is living your life a hundredfold times richer. (Okay, that is as far as I am willing to go with explanations.)

So let us imagine a situation where the person feels right now. You two understand each other so thoroughly that it most certainly is impossible for someone else ever doing a better job at empathizing. But somehow, the impossible happens, and you separate. How did that manage to happen? When did the cracks appear, or was the fairytale relationship built on loose soil, or were the critical flaws in the structure glossed over with pretty wallpaper? What you do know though, is that while the connection may be frail or severed now, it was true and pure before. What was shared was sincere.

Now you cannot imagine a life together with that person.
Because now you see, the differences are just too great, the chasm in characters too wide.
What if that person still feels right, though?
No, that cannot be correct.
How can the person you do not want to live with, feel right?
I think, what is really happening is that you feel that you will never find another person who can love you so completely ever again.
Or maybe that you will never again be able to love another person with your entire soul.

Is it possible for more than one person to feel right to you? It is, right? That is how people move on. (Of course, we are assuming that people really do move on.) What about feeling that two or more people feel right to you, but at the same time?

I hate this topic.

So many inconsistencies. So many variables to consider.

What I do not understand is how you can love someone, then stop loving the person. Is that even possible?
Then I do not know whether it is possible to love more than one person. Society norms on how you should only have one spouse. But then, society norms are just guides, not divine law carved in stone. Is it?

God, I hate this topic.
It is official. My argument is not so much an argument than gibberish ramblings.

Where to begin the foundations of life?

2012-01-11T22:45:00.002+08:00

Today must be one of the most activity-filled day in awhile. Woke up and went off to school to visit the open house. Talked to Aunty Amy for a bit and helped her rearrange the stocks in the newly renovated room. She told me how one of her eyes was cloudy and she was going to see the eye specialist later in the afternoon. I ate the famous ba chor mee for lunch. Ended up playing frisbee and basketball soon after. Saw some of my teachers and friends, said hi, bye, and walked back home. Left the house again within an hour to go meet my friends for dinner.

It seems that I missed our last outing about 6 months ago. They said I could not be reached. 6 months ago. I think I know what happened.

Anyway, while dinner and dessert was okay, company was good. They have this idea to take a photo every time we meet to see how much we have changed. Wonder how that would work out.

I guess, in this life a person can do whatever he wants. I can build my life around the friends I have, around my family, around God, around a loved one, or just simply around myself. The kind of life he has would depend on what he builds his life around.

Still deciding where to lay my foundations.

Feel it for yourself

2012-01-10T23:46:00.002+08:00

How long does it take to understand a person? I believe we never will be able to fully understand someone. We may be able to understand them better, but there will always be something more to discover and learn. But then again, people are a total mystery to me. Sometimes I just keep quiet and stare in amazement at how absurd they are. Every time I think I got a grasp of how they think, they react in a totally unpredictable and irrational manner.

I feel that emotions are too volatile.
Some times I feel those emotions boiling in me.
Other times I see it explode in others.
Most of the time, I shut myself out from everyone else because then no one can break in and pretend to understand me. How can they, when they are not even aware of their childish behavior? I build walls because I see the way people try to impose their demands on others. These walls keep them from crossing the line and keep my own selfish ego in check.

I am sure some of my friends will understand bits and pieces of me, but never the whole of me. I guess I just never let them. I suppose it is the futility of the whole be-an-open-book idea which drives me into this shell. Suppose I be an open book. People would come in, read, and try to understand me. Everyone will have their own interpretation of who I am. (Taking a course in Literature will prove my point.) Everyone can try to understand, but no one will feel it like I do.

Only you know it yourself. Why? Because some things cannot be expressed in words or action. Some things just are, and is incapable of being conveyed to another person. Even if you were an open book, some details would be glossed over, others exaggerated, and some even left out completely. These little details cannot be understood until experienced for themselves, and because we are different people, it most certainly ensures that you will never understand me, and I, you.

Things I like about books

2012-01-09T19:23:00.002+08:00

I love science fiction and fantasy, because of all the possibilities they open up. I want to study physics because I want to discover the secrets of this universe. I also want to know more about spirituality and metaphysics because I want to find the answers to life.

I like fiction for their exploration of relationships and how the characters develop and mature. I particularly fancy stories that have the protagonist undergo through grueling trials and comes out a better person. I also like books that bring out the best in people. Those really touch my heart.

Happy 82th birthday ah ma

2012-01-07T23:43:00.002+08:00

I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question.
- Harun Yahya

Feeling full from dinner. Celebrated my grandmother's 82th birthday. Last night I had a dream about a bracelet of beads that I was shaking and shaking, then I contacted something supernatural. All the details are so hazy now. Anyway I have work tomorrow so I should be turning in now. Looks like no exercising tonight.

When I grow up I hope I can stay near the sea. Either that or an open plain. Or both?

I wonder if I will live to my 80s too.
If so, I have already spent a quarter of my life.
Not much left, brother.
Watch what you spend your life on.

Dream on if you dare

2012-01-06T23:41:00.003+08:00

I was listening to Straight Through The Mirror by Blind Guardian just now and some thoughts popped into my head.

What if your dreams ended only because you did not know how to continue them? What if you could going on dreaming? Would you dare to dream on and find out what happens?

What if my life was a dream, and I am dreaming about this life while I am asleep in the other world? What if I took turns to switch between planes of existence - when I am asleep in one, I am awake in the other - except that I have no vivid recollection of either?

What if dreams were merely another kind of reality, except that they are disconnected with this one?

What if, when we die, we do not cease to exist, but in fact wake up in another reality? We squint through half-opened eyes and wonder what that dream was all about, forget about it and get ready for work.

And what if...
What if we could remember all our dreams, all our lives, and learn how to use dreams as a door into other realities?

We would never truly die.

Wage slaves, all around

2012-01-05T23:15:00.002+08:00

I have can play Turkey in the Straw on the piano fairly well now, give or take some mistakes once in awhile. Started working on River Flows in You. My fingers keep tripping over each other. Definitely need much more practice.

I cooked myself pasta today. My auntie told me that I need to put a little oil in the water, so that the pasta will not stick. Add a little salt for taste. I also helped her with the ox-tail dish for dinner.

My mum says I exercise too much. All because she sees me go out to the park several times a day. By several I mean about 3 times a day. Once in the morning, another in the afternoon and again at night. And it is not as if I spend hours there. I only stay there for a maximum of half an hour, and usually only twenty minutes. After a few pull ups, dips and stretching, I head back home. I do not even go jogging. Perhaps she is afraid that I might end up looking like the Hulk.

My callouses hurt. Time to use the pumice stone to rub them down tomorrow.

Reading The Witch of Portobello has got me thinking about divinity and spirituality again. Now I am reading The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. Seems pretty interesting so far.

I came across this line recently, but I cannot recall where.

Slaves have been replaced with wage-slaves.
In this world today, how many people are living fulfilling lives, every moment of their day? Look at the countless many who hate their job, yet day-in and day-out, they continue to slog away at a task they abhor. There are two ways about it. One is to learn to love your job. The other is to change your job to something you love. How much of your life are you willing to sacrifice in the pursuit for money?

There are always difficult and unfortunate things that need to be done. But then there are also the pointless, meaningless and fruitless things you do that make you look back and wonder where all the quality in your life has gone. Be careful of being trapped in a job you do not want, because of money you do not need.

Runny nose Wednesday

2012-01-04T20:36:00.002+08:00

I have been having a runny nose for the past two days. The suspected cause would be my ever growing long hair. My fringe has reached my eyebrows now. Hopefully I will not need to cut my hair till university (and maybe even after?). My hair does not dry as fast as when it was short. Well, this just means that I cannot bathe too late at night, because I will need to use the noisy hair dryer. Either that or I cannot wet my hair when I bathe late.

I hope that you will be okay tonight when you go out and have fun. To be honest, a part of me wants to go out and pick you up later, just so I know that you are safe.

If I ever got together with someone again, things would be so different. So many things have changed. But not enough. Never enough...

Back to piano and cooking tomorrow. And visit my school for the open house next week.

Books and cooks

2012-01-02T15:30:00.005+08:00

Was looking around for a job, but then realised that all the jobs would definitely bore the hell out of me. I wonder what job would suit me. Perhaps a camp facilitator, but then I would miss out on gym lessons.

Anyway, I am reading For One More Day by Mitch Albom now. Halfway through, and already I have teared so much.

Books can fill up so much of our time.

Decided to learn cooking! Helped my auntie cook all the dishes (save for the rice) today!
She will be teaching me how to cook fried rice tomorrow.

So it begins, 2012.

2012-01-01T10:48:00.003+08:00

If a man lose everything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?
So how do you measure the worth of a man -
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

- Through Heaven's Eyes by The Prince of Egypt Soundtrack

Shop closed, motherfuckers!

2011-12-31T22:29:00.002+08:00

So I have finally managed to clear out all my mess lying around. I totally took a walk down the memory lane, reading old letters, staring at old photos, sorting through my extracted teeth and gifts from friends. Stowed all of them away in one corner to be rummaged through again in a few years.

I won't bother with shit like, "I hope 2012 will treat me better." or "Thanks for the great year 2011!" because the weak will always look for sympathy and the insecure will always seek for attention.

I am going to hunker down and turtle up. All you wastrels out there can go fuck yourselves if you want to bother me. I am sorry to all my friends for leaving you out there, but I am not sorry for choosing this.

And that was how he entered 2012.

End of the road

2011-12-31T17:13:00.002+08:00

Here marks the end of 2011.

I have had enough of shit in this year. From everyone around me and from myself.

Time to clean out my closet. For myself.

Cheers to the new year, everybody, and nobody.

Elegance and posture

2011-12-29T19:48:00.002+08:00

Had a bout of diarrhea last night. Ended up sleeping early last night with a general feeling of malaise. Feeling better now.

I picked up my relatives from the airport today, and then brought them to the sailing center for a while. (They wanted to move one of the Optimist boats to a sheltered area.) Sent them home after that. Halfway through lunch, I had to leave the house again to pick up my grandfather from church. Driving all day is rough. Had to deal with a dull headache after that. Or was it because I had not fully recovered from last night?

So after I finished my lunch, I went to sleep the afternoon away. Perhaps I have been sleeping too much, because the nap did not leave me feeling refreshed. Truthfully, what I want most of all right now is a massage. My back feels stiff and cramped. Who can I ask, though? No one I know knows how to crack my back. I cannot ask my dad since his back is giving him problems so already.

On another note, I can play a decent To Zanarkand on the piano now. I am working on Croation Rhapsody, The Entertainer, and Turkey in the Straw. I think I will probably master the last piece first, because it is the easiest of the three.

I just asked my sister to help me crack my back. She uses too little force and she says that her hand is tired. God. At least there was one crack though!

"Elegance is the correct posture if the writing is to be perfect. It's the same with life: when all superfluous things have been discarded, we discover simplicity and concentration. The simpler and more sober the posture, the more beautiful it will be, even though, at first, it may seem uncomfortable."
- The Witch Of Portobello by Paulo Coelho

That could very well apply for piano playing. Good posture, good playing.

On Perfection

2011-12-27T13:09:00.003+08:00

We have ideals. We make laws absolute. We dogmatically follow tradition. Why?

Why, when we humans are so flawed, do we still seek perfection? How can something so impure, achieve something so pure? If we assume the impossibility of attaining perfection to be true, then surely there is no point in making any sort of attempt, right? Some people may leave you the quote about how the destination is not as important as the journey - that it does not matter whether or not you become a perfect person, that the only issue of import is that you develop a better character. But what is the point of bettering yourself if there is no end? Is there a purpose in amassing knowledge your whole life, only to lose it in the end? Is there a reason to gain power and money your entire life, only to lose it finally? Perhaps showing goodness and kindness to others is a more reasonable and nobler way of life.

But I suspect that one day, the human race will be wiped out. (No, I do not think this will happen in 2012.) When that happens, what a joke we would be. Our endeavours would have been in naught. Progress would drop back to ground zero. If there is no point to anything, prudence can be thrown out of the window. We can start to live life lavishly, unbridled and wild.

If I could but see into the future, perhaps I could understand where we were headed to. Is it towards doom, or will we discover the secrets of the universe and be propelled into eternity?

Traitor: You put too much faith in the hearts of men, Altair. The Templars know the truth: humans are weak, base, and petty.
Altair: No. Our creed is evidence to the contrary.
Traitor: Perhaps you are right, and I am not wise enough to understand -- but I suspect the opposite: that I am too wise to believe such rubbish.

I like the dialogues found in Assassin's Creed. Every time a key enemy is assassinated, they will have a conversation that reveals their motives, no matter how warped their justification. Truly, the most dangerous people are also those who have the strongest conviction in the righteousness of their cause.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Here, the traitor talks about Altair having too much faith in men. I can relate to that. I, myself, have lost much faith in humanity already. Humans are weak, base, and petty. Once I believed that we could rise above that. But now I realise that no one cares to fight for perfection. No one bothers to better themselves. Even if they do, they only make hollow attempts.

Everyone does what is convenient for themselves nowadays. The ones who care are few and far between. This is the majority:
We have no ideals. We bend the law to our advantage. We throw away our traditions.

I could simply party my life away, indulge in materialism and lead a life of aimlessly pursuing pleasure. But a part of me abhors that. The part of me that still believes that my life has a purpose, except that I have not found it yet. I have my ideals. I will find my purpose. I will find my own way to perfection in this life, or after.

Real peace comes from wisdom.

2011-12-26T10:49:00.003+08:00

Peace is not found without. It is found within.

True peace is not found in a cave or in open fields. True peace is found standing amidst all the noise and bustle of life, yet remaining unaffected by the outside. I must learn to accept that I cannot change my circumstances, and even if I might be able to change it, the consequences are simply not worth taking action.

What good would change do if you offended every one else around you? No one would be happy. Live and let live. However, this sort of peace seems pacifist to me at best. Like a coward, choosing to do nothing is an easy way out. Why get involved when witnessing an injustice happening? Why bring trouble to yourself? Only a fool would think this way.

I suppose we need to learn to be able to differentiate between the petty and serious crimes committed against ourselves. If there is an ongoing construction project in the neighbourhood, you do not need to rail at the builders to lower their noise. Only a fool would demand everything to go his way. If something goes against your principle, such as bullying, you should feel indignant enough to take action. We must be wise enough to know the difference.

The way we seek to bring about change also matters. Do it amicably, and everyone comes out better off. Press your stand aggressively and you step on toes.

How can one stand amidst raging waters and howling winds and not be moved? I want the confidence to do that. Not some false sense of security, but real confidence that stems from a deep understanding of myself and the things around me. Then peace can really come from within.

Binary world

2011-12-24T23:59:00.002+08:00

Since every computer coding is done in binary, then every simulation would be presented in the form of 0's and 1's. If everything can be defined with just two distinct alphabets, what if our world was merely a simulation and we were living in a world of binary coding?

Then God would be the master programmer, using ultra-sophisticated hardware to power this vast universe. I wonder if anyone tried to explain the world in this way. Binary.

I think my head will just explode, writing down all those numbers!

Jonathan, take the wheel

2011-12-23T22:38:00.002+08:00

Once I had hit puberty, I began to rebel and seek independence. I had come to realise that this life is my own to live. I would have to answer to my actions and take responsibility for the consequences. In the end, the choice I make is no one's but my own. Your mentors might encourage you to do this, or your peers may goad you into doing that. But when you make the final decision, know that you have made the choice of your own volition.

Circumstances could wreck your plans. Fate probably will turn things awry. Bad luck? Who can blame bad luck. I realise that I can only blame myself for any bad (or good) that happens. Blaming destiny changes nothing. Learn from the past, live in the present and look forward to the future. The only person I can rely on is - in fact - myself. I am the only variable I can control. Everything else is beyond my influence.

There is only one good reason to ask for advice - when the person is superior to you in that aspect or issue concerned. Even then, if you yourself already know what must be done, asking for another opinion is merely delaying the inevitable. It is procrastination under a different guise. Pucker up your courage and learn to live for yourself.

No one was made to be out there to save you. No one is bound by some immutable law to do so. If they do so, they do it out of their own kindness. If no one helps you, accept that help is a privilege. The onus is for you to help yourself.

If I do not take action now, no one will.
No excuses. You are your own person.

Anger is madness

2011-12-22T23:38:00.002+08:00

Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.
- Horace

Somehow I get agitated when my sister comments on what I do. For instance, when I was driving them out for supper, she decided to correct my driving and parking. She should learn to keep her opinions to herself, because it is unfortunate that I do not like her views very much. Why do I have this aversion for criticism? Perhaps I believe (falsely?) that I am more than able to drive. Or maybe I feel that if she feels that she can do a better job, she should volunteer to do the driving instead.

Nevertheless, anger is not an emotion I would like to feed. In order to avoid such situations again, I shall resolve to minimize contact with the trigger - my sister. Is the action I take a form of escapism? To be frank, perhaps our characters do not match. She, for one, loves attention. I prefer a quiet life. I cannot change her; She is her own person. I do not wish to change myself; I am happy with the way I am. And so, it seems that the only choice I have is to allow a deep chasm to grow between us.

I will not let this madness conquer me.
I need more discipline.

Embrace or repress?

2011-12-21T16:37:00.003+08:00

Wednesdays are good days for me. Wednesdays are free and easy. I like that!

Other days I go to the gym or teach my cousins or work at my part time job. Wednesday is like my chill day. Today I went to pick my relatives from the airport, then went back home to practice a bit of my piano before going back to sleep. I woke up in time for lunch. Perhaps later I will walk over to my cousin's house to walk the dog for fun. It was nice to walk her last night.

Just played an immensely fun game of DotA with Elian. Even now that he is in the US, he is not giving up the game. Looks like DotA is going to be a part of me. 9gag too. Now I feel like a total geek. But then again, I am going to take a shower now, practice my piano piece, and then get out of the house for a breath of fresh air, and take the dog for a walk.

I would like to believe that I have seen it all, the negative emotions, the ones that drag you down beneath the mire. I have seen the hate, the sorrow, the anger. Negative emotions destroys your soul. I would like to believe that I understand how it all works. I would like to think that I have overcome those feelings. Or have I, in the process of facing these obstacles, succumbed to the negativity and destroyed my humanity already? And I hiding and running, or am I already free?

Some recent updates

2011-12-20T12:59:00.002+08:00

New blog skin.

Ripped it off other blog and spent about 3 hours editing it down to this. When I say edit down, I mean trimming off all the excess tabs, pictures and credits and all. I changed almost every aspect. Even all the colours have changed. Basically I only needed the navigation coding as a template. I like my blog plain and simple, other than the music, this is all no frills and clean now.

Yesterday I managed to pull off my side flip. FINALLY.
Well, looks like training has not been wasted!

At my cousin's house now. Going to watch him do some mathematics. Sometimes I wonder if I should become a tuition teacher. Yesterday, my friend Neo is teaching at a tuition center at Katong and told me to look for him if I wanted to work there.

I am thinking if I should cut my hair short and neat or just let it grow wild and unkempt. My friend Pat asked me to go for the interview at A&F to work there, as the hours are very flexible. But he also told me that I should cut short hair first. Will the job there be fulfilling? It pays $8.50 an hour, which is pretty good for part-time in the service sector. Just folding clothes and greeting customers all day long. If I work overnight, it will be $12 an hour!

Perhaps I should go work full-time at Alpha. Wonder what the pay will be like.

Raining everyday nowadays. Cannot get to go to the park as usual.

I wonder if you will pass your driving test. If you are reading this, good luck!

The Road Not Taken

2011-12-19T02:51:00.002+08:00

The first time I came across Robert Frost works was with his Mending Wall. It struck me as a very accurate picture of what the world today is like. Today, another one of his works has resonated strongly with me.

...
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- From The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Angels and demons

2011-12-16T23:53:00.002+08:00

I see my friends going out to have fun, going overseas to explore, getting frustrated chasing girls/boys, drowning in sorrow when things do not go well. The life of a normal person in this society. The life of someone who gets up every morning, does what he needs and wants to do, and then goes back to sleep.

I may vow never to squander away my life, but bit by bit, God knows I am breaking that promise. I just want to find the higher power, the source. Does it even exist? Why can I not feel divine, despite almost everyone saying that the divine is within us? I only feel emptiness.

This emptiness makes me want to fill it up with silly things. Or is it not silly? Am I the one being silly for isolating myself? A part of me wants to go out and be wild. It conjures up in my mind the song Born to be Wild. Another part of me wants to stay grounded and focused.

Am I brave enough to gamble for all or nothing?

I keep swinging from pole to pole. God I hate this.

First accident

2011-12-14T22:15:00.002+08:00

I got into my first accident today.

I was on my way home after working for 2 hours and a 1 hour jog.
Dozed off while driving and veered into the side of someone's car.
I guess I was too tired.

Looks like it is going to be an expensive lesson.

I really do not know what I am doing in life actually.

Family Drama

2011-12-13T23:59:00.000+08:00

Hearing so much drama makes my faith in humanity drop down a few notches.

God, we are so flawed.

Confused ranting

2011-12-07T22:51:00.002+08:00

I would call the gathering on Sunday a success! We all came, contributed food, drinks and life to the party! It was good to just meet up and chat and relive old times. Not that I will want to ever hold a gathering again, though.

Good to see my old buddy again. Have not met him since out basic training was over.

Monday was the day I claimed back my NRIC. No more reporting back to camp anymore!

Spent yesterday and today helping to coach the kids.

But I still feel unsatisfied and empty.

I wonder if I will get the job at my old secondary school.

Am I not training hard enough? No, probably not. I want to achieve something... what is it?

Confused. I messaged her today but she did not reply me. In fact she is out right now having dinner with a friend. I am being stupid.

Maybe I should go to Guang Zhou for 2 weeks like my dad suggested. But will that change anything?

I would believe in Jesus if he were here. I do not want a mediocre life. I do not want to go through life blind and ignorant. I want answers. I want the truth.

Should I sacrifice everything else?
Maybe I should. Maybe I should...

Irritated at organizing gatherings

2011-12-03T23:25:00.002+08:00

The gathering for my BMT platoon ended up being organized by me. I had to call everyone, dig out old contacts, try to trace their numbers. I also had to find a location to host the gathering. My friend who told me not to worry about it at first, suddenly had his own problems and had no time to settle the accommodation. That was only two days to the gathering. In the end I had to scramble to locate a place that could fit us, at a reasonable price. Asking people to volunteer their condominiums was useless too, since no one bothered to reply.

Why do I bother?

I bothered once with my class, trying to organize an outing for us. Turn out was terrible. Perhaps I am not a good planner, that is why no one was interested. Or perhaps no one is interested in keeping the class in touch. We were not that bonded anyway. A group over here, another clique over there. (Yeah, my class was split in many different ways.) After that, I swore never to bother with another class outing ever again, not that there was any.

There are always those lukewarm people who do not give a damn about whether or not you meet, but then there are those enthusiastic fellows who would always be there at the gatherings. Except that none of them bothers to help to organize. What really ticked me off was that even though they wanted to meet, they did not bother to put any effort at all in organizing. They just sit and wait.

Some irrational part of me is extremely bitter that the officers in the platoon are not doing anything to help me, just sitting there and watching the show. I cannot explain why I am feeling this. Part of me says, Hey you, officer, can you please show some standard and help to plan this thing? while another part of me is going, Rank means nothing. We are all people with our own things to do. It is not their responsibility to take on this task of organizing. I hope that I by typing this out I will understand myself better and not feel the angst unnecessarily.

Why did I even take on this responsibility?
Who knows. I must have been pretty crazy at that time. Next time I should just let things rot and allow others to do the salvaging and saving. I will mind my own business.

Safe to say, this is probably the last platoon gathering we will ever be having.
Hope tomorrow will bring success to the event!
Good night.

Raistlin Majere and myself

2011-11-29T23:51:00.003+08:00

Reading Raistlin's story makes me think a lot about my own life and my opinions. There is much I can relate to. The denying of emotions, how he despises the weaknesses he sees in himself. He is determined to prove himself. No matter the cost. What is in his heart, but a swirl of conflicting ideals.

I have read the book before, but I cannot remember when. All I know is that the story is familiar. Perhaps this time I will read all the books in the series. I am interested to know how he steels himself.

Ambition must always remain burning

2011-11-28T23:58:00.003+08:00

The greatest malady of our age is that we have no ambition. Even if we once did, we have lost it in the countless distractions in life today.

Reading The Soulforge again. It reminds me of everything I need to sacrifice to achieve my dreams.

No one was born strong. We just have to keep on fighting. Keep pressing on.

Forever and always.

2011-11-27T19:15:00.001+08:00

When you told me last night that she had already moved on, I was like "ah.. I see. Who was it?". But when you told me who he was, and that it was for a few months already, I was like "What? Wait, no way! That's not serious.".

Yet you still convinced me otherwise. So I asked her directly. Turns out you were wrong, she is not with him. Turns out I should have just trusted my instincts. Anyway, you are got me thinking about one thing. Why would she display it for all to see like that? I really do not know. And I am really tired of trying to understand.

My friends keep telling me to move on. I have already accepted the fact that we are over, and that there is the possibility of us ever getting back together again is as slim as the slit diameter in a light diffraction experiment. Why do I still wear our ring? It is a personal choice. I never want to forget the past. It reminds me of the good and the bad. My mistakes and that I am not ready.

Damn, I just listened to Forever and Always by Parachute because I thought about it and I teared up.

Forever and always.

Garreth's treat and Grace's muse

2011-11-26T05:15:00.004+08:00

I have never tried blogging when I was drunk. I am a little tipsy now. Maybe tomorrow I can read what I wrote and laugh at what I blog about.

Well, my friend messaged me just now, telling me not to be so emotional, because PX told her about me out of concern. She wanted to help, and suggested that I should her blog since she was in a similar position.

Well, I went to go read her blog. A little drunk but I believe that I still can be rational here. Here is an excerpt from her blog:

...showed him I loved him in everything I did and... , gave him my all. I did everything ... AND MORE. If it isn't enough, IT ISN'T MY FAULT. I shouldn't make myself miserable because I GAVE MY BEST and that's what counts...

I would like to say that hey, I gave my all in my own relationship, it is not my fault. But then whose fault would it be? Her's? No, she gave her all too. I broke her heart when I broke up with her. Simple as that. I take the blame. I hurt her. I guess I am just not cut out for a relationship. It took me a year to figure that out. I promise I tried to make it work. I really did. But things did not work out the way I hoped they would. Perhaps we were not compatible. Perhaps I was too immature to manage a relationship with her.

What is love? Can you actually imagine your loved one asking you, why you loved her? How do you rationalize the feeling? The emotion is intangible, something you just know. When you see her happy, you are happy for her. You want to protect her. You want the best for her. You feel helpless when you see her sad. You try your best to console her, but if your actions are the cause for her sadness, it is double the pain because you have your own reasons for what you did. Your only hope is that she would understand you. Love, Mother Theresa loved everyone she came across. Is that the same as romantic love? Can one love all, yet love one specially? What would be so special about the person? Maybe the person is the one you share your life with.

When you share your life with a person, is it for ever? What does it mean to share your life? Does it mean to open up completely? I wonder if that is so. I have never met someone who opened up completely. I guess that is because I am not a trustworthy person.

But I always imagine the day when - as John Lennon puts it - the world will be as one. When everyone is honest with each other. I guess that will never happen. In small circles, perhaps. But never as a society.

The secret is in finding like-minded friends.

I do not want to escape the blame. I want to blame myself, and let it be a reminder forever that my character is still underdeveloped and irrational. Why did I break up with her? Because I could not fulfill her expectations. Because I always let her down. And when I broke up, I broke the ultimate promise. To never give her up. That will forever be who I am. An untrustworthy liar. Full of empty promises that I never deliver.

So now, I try to make myself a better person.
I never want to make a promise to anyone again until I am ready.

So much for being drunk. Got to wake up in about 3 hours for work.

Relationships

2011-11-23T19:33:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I browse through my almost empty facebook and realise that even after learning so much from my failed relationship, I am still not ready for another one. I doubt anyone will accept me the way I am, and I am unwilling to change who I am.

I am weak. Still.

Absolute Paradox/A lonely well-defined morality

2011-11-16T23:51:00.004+08:00

I was on a meme generator website, and I came across this phrase by the Philosoraptor.

If God can do anything,
Could He make a rock so heavy that He could not lift it?

Clearly, the situation is impossible. Being able to fulfill one requirement causes the other premise to be false. In the most basic form, the statement becomes as such: If you can do anything, can you make yourself unable to do something? It would make more sense if the person added an extra clause. You can do anything, except for making yourself unable to do something.

Using absolutes may make your argument seem authoritative and grand, but you are left open to paradoxes in actual fact. For example:
All things come from God. Since evil exists, evil must have come from God.
God is omnipresent. Evil is the absence of God. Therefore evil cannot exist.
Things like that.

There is always a problem when using absolutes with morality. Making an absolute proposition often leaves loopholes for others to exploit and criticize. Nevertheless, I should never stop trying to search for the absolute truth. Relativity is all fine and convenient, but I personally find it too easy. One can say that morality is all relative to each culture. One might find it acceptable to eat another man's flesh, while another will find the practice abhorrent. Is there nothing absolute in this world?

Can a man be moral when he steals medicine to save his ill child?
Is helping another person cheat so that he would pass and have a better future ahead moral?
When you kill another to save yourself, is that moral?
Or what if you have kill to save your family?

Stealing is wrong. Is it? But is allowing your child to die when you can save him also wrong?
Cheating is wrong. Is it? But is denying your friend a shot at a brighter future wrong?
Killing is wrong. Is it, really? Would you rather take the sin upon yourself or let him kill you?

Perhaps all are wrong. But then what we only do is to choose the lesser of two evils.

Do not speak if silence is enough,
Do not hold if speaking is enough,
Do not hurt if holding is enough,
Do not wound if hurting is enough,
Do not maim if wounding is enough,
Do not kill if maiming is enough.
The greatest warrior is he who does not have to kill.

Morality is so hard to define. We all have a rough idea of what morality is. For me, it means to not hurt others. It means to try to make the lives of others better and happier. Even then, it is not a clear cut definition. It certainly needs some clauses or modification. What if an action improves the life of one while disrupts another? Would that action be moral or immoral?

I hate philosophy. Because philosophy never gives you the answer. Philosophy can only keep you guessing at the true meaning of morality, getting you closer but never quite there.

I suddenly understand. Just like in physics, it is easy to calculate the answer when you are just studying one object. It gets slightly harder when you have two subjects, but it is still manageable. However, as more and more identities are introduced, the relationship between all the parts become unpredictable and impossible to accurately define. Such is the case for morality. If it were just me, everything would be easily settled. I would do everything that is good for myself. If became you and I, things would be different, but I could understand that morality means not hurting you and advancing the common cause. More people only means more conflicting views and a giant headache.

No wonder some people become hermits.

My fear of back-tuck

2011-11-15T23:50:00.002+08:00

I have done my round-off back tuck many many times. But somehow I always seem to hit a mental block and cannot bring myself to complete the move anymore after bailing out just once. It takes much coaxing and psyching for me to gather up my courage once again to back tuck.

Why is this?

I know that I can do it. I have done it before.
Why am I so afraid to commit to the back tuck?
Why do I back out at the last moment?

If I could do it in slow motion, I might be able to control each part of my body with perfect timing and ease. Unfortunately I do not have that luxury. Everything happens so fast, and before I know it, I have landed the flip. I have to work this irrational fear away.

I would rather do a front flip any day than a back flip.
Oh well.

I wonder if you have received the parcel. I wonder if you have moved on. My friends keep telling me to move on. I wonder how you are doing. I guess your friends told you the same.

Friends are important but not necessary.

2011-11-08T23:07:00.002+08:00

I picked up a good book during my time overseas. My friend brought it over with him and he lent it to me to pass time while doing my duty. I read the first few pages. Unfortunately, I did not manage to finish the book before returning back home.

So what I did was to borrow the book - Consolations of Philosophy - from the library.

The book carries many ideas that I feel the author, Alain de Botton, has expressed very succinctly.

While on Epicurus, he wrote that "We don't exist unless there is someone who can see us existing, what we say has no meaning until someone can understand, while to be surrounded by friends is constantly to have our identity confirmed; their knowledge and care for us have the power to pull us from our numbness. In small comments, many of them teasing, they reveal they know our foibles and accept them and so, in turn, accept that we have a place in the world."

I count myself lucky to have found such friends. Passing time with them makes me feel more present and less isolated from this world.

Then again when exploring Seneca, he espouses that "The wise man will not despise himself even if he has the stature of a dwarf, but nevertheless wishes to be tall. The wise man is self-sufficient in that he can do without friends, not that he desires to do without them."

The second statement resounds very, very strongly with me. More than once, I have hurt people by naively trying to explain that I could do without them. I could not express the idea that though I am self-sufficient, I do not want them gone. I stupidly said something along this line: You are important, but not necessary in my life. I fathom things would have turned out better had I sorted my thoughts out before speaking. I thought that explaining my point of view would help them understand my own philosophy.

Not many people understand stoicism.

If one day my friends are gone, I would carry on. If one day I passed on, I would expect my friends to similarly carry on. No one knows what the future holds in store for us. If fortune decides to afflict me tomorrow, I would accept my fate calmly. Stoicism is the acceptance that some things are beyond our control. Because of this, some find me cruel that I am so blase about most things, even people. Believe me, I care, but if I am not part of the solution then there is nothing left for me to do there. Basically, I care if I can help.

So you see, I cannot express myself as finely as the author. Even reading my own paragraph leaves me feeling as if it lacks some essential point that brings across the spirit of stoicism. Perhaps my ideas will become better articulated with time.

What am I not?

2011-11-01T17:28:00.003+08:00

What are you, that you so despise the ways of this world?

Are you a hermit, that you shun all human contact?

I find human relationships complex. Too complex to understand fully. And I am tired to try. I find it easier to avoid contact than to risk conversation. But then, perhaps this is only true in the company of sophisticated men. I imagine that the company of the innocent and naive will be much more enjoyable, free from politics and subtle power plays.

Are you an anarchist, that you refuse to respect the laws of society?

There is difference between good and bad. Is there a distinction within good or bad itself? Are there varying degrees of evil? There must be. That is why there is petty crime and serious crime. When upholding the law, do you demand punishment for every petty crime, or do you sometimes let it slide? What if there is no inherent evil in the crime? Is gambling evil? When I say gambling is illegal, does it make it bad to gamble or does it merely becomes an offence to gamble. How about jaywalking? Law is important, but so is the spirit of the law. The difficulty is striking a balance between strictness and flexibility. The task is almost - if not certainly - impossible. Being flexible already means double standards. How can I book one person and not another for the same offence? Law should be absolute, but then it must be compassionate. The two cannot be reconciled. In my opinion, a small community is much more preferable to a large society. A small community is much more easily managed as everyone cares for and looks out for each other. A person in a large society only thinks for his immediate circle of fellows.

Are you an ascetic, that you deny yourself a life of luxury and fun?

Perhaps I am, but the kind of "fun" that the world indulges in has no meaning. Maybe my life has no inherent meaning either, then all my hard work would be for naught. In the end, all things die. Why should I not enjoy the time I have here on Earth while I can? Am I a soul waiting to be saved? I do not know. Why should I care? I have no religion. The only reason I can give for my non-conformity is that my own intuition insists that the pursuit of self-development is better than that of self-indulgence. Maybe in the future I will be able to support my stand with a solid argument.

Are you a dreamer, that you wish for such great things?

I am. I dream that I can be talented with hard work. I dream that I will be a jack of all trades and master of all. I dream that I am at peace with the world and easily content. I dream that my environment is serene and tranquil. I dream that I will contribute to humanity and help it progress. I dream that I can change the world, although I know that this is like reaching for infinity. Only time will tell if these dreams are realised.

XWB Day 15

2011-10-30T12:07:00.002+08:00

I wonder what it must have been like for our ancestors who lived before the time of electricity. Every night, they would look up at the velvet sky and curtain of stars. Now when I look up, I cannot tell if it is the stars I see, or just some man-made satellite drifting around Earth.

A time before computers, before telephones, before MP3s. A time when craftsmanship was abound, when a person would dedicate their lives to perfecting their art. A time when a person could sit in silence and deep thought. Now we plug ourselves in and shut ourselves out. We seek entertainment all the time through technology without bettering ourselves. We idolize celebrities, cheer on our favourite clubs or simply live for pleasure.

Our human potential has been stunted without us realising. Instead of bettering ourselves, we spend time thinking how awesome the other person is.

XWB Day 14

2011-10-29T20:14:00.000+08:00

Not many days left here in Australia.

The biggest obstacle in the path to success is not the challenges met along the way. To me, the problem is the myriad of distractions that lead me away from my destination. Other than these principle tasks, namely - sleeping, eating, exercising, reading, practicing the piano, reflecting - I should begin the purge of all other unnecessary tasks within my life.

I do not want to look back on my life on my deathbed only to realise that most of my time was spent on frivolous activities.

XWB Day 12

2011-10-27T21:23:00.002+08:00

Where I come from, people only talk when they have something to say.

It has been 12 days since I have left. Another 8 more to go.

So far it seems my plan to lose weight has not been working. But maybe some good has come out of this. I broke my routine constant use of the computer. I started doing some reflecting too. When I get back home, I wonder if I will fall back into my old cycle.

What my life needs is discipline. My life changed a lot after secondary school. All my routines changed. In fact, I think I threw all my habits out of the window. What happened to my stoic attitude and regimental timetable? I used to sleep by 10pm. Now I stay up late, sleep through my alarm, and have become lazy in general.

I changed. I let emotions rule. No matter. I will replace brick upon brick to rebuild myself.

No more EC-10. Time to take my vial of Prozium.

XWB Day 10

2011-10-25T20:08:00.002+08:00

Often I have heard, do not judge others. Often I have tried not to criticize.
Do I succeed? Hardly. I see an action and condemn it. I hear the conversations of others and disapprove. How can I not? I have my principles. How can I stay true to my principles and also condone any contrary stand at the same time?

One cannot turn a blind eye to injustice and call himself a moral person.
But to cast his lot with the victim, he inevitably has to lay judgement on the bully. What right do I have to criticize others? Is there not the verse, and why do you look at the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?

A dilemma. Perhaps I am looking at the situation the wrong way. Perhaps I should not take myself as a judge of others. It is true, I have no right to judge others. It is also true, I cannot do nothing when my principles are challenged. How can the two become compatible?

Now I see it. I see the solution to this problem. I have been trying all along not to judge. But I should judge. I should criticize. Not others; but myself. When something crops up, whatever action I take, am I being true to myself? Do I pass my self-imposed litmus test? I do not need to judge others. I just need to judge myself.

I love this quote from Thomas Covenant.
One must have strength to judge the weakness of others. I am not so mighty.

I hope one day I can judge myself and say, my service is pure and heart is steadfast.

XWB Day 9

2011-10-24T16:31:00.003+08:00

Giving up before I started.

I guess that in the end, the only person who can motivate you is yourself. Relying on others is suicide. I have to work alone. No more distractions. But what is it that I am working towards? I really do not know. Am I blind? I must be. Perhaps I am searching for something that is not even there. How do I keep pushing forward when I cannot see the horizon?

How much incongruity can a human mind take? The other night I overheard one man preaching to another about how we are all sinners, and that Jesus died to save us. The only way we can gain forgiveness is to accept Jesus as our Lord and savior.

How can one accept such statements as truth without reason? Why do I find it so hard to believe in anything at all?

I want to believe that my life is worth living.
Why do I even have such thoughts? My life is so much better than many others. I have a home, a family that cares, friends, enough food, enough clothes, just to name a few.

I just want to make something of my life.
But why? Why is it I cannot bring myself to start now?

XWB Day 7

2011-10-22T05:41:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I think that the only good answer to my life is to push myself to the limits.
And then beyond.

XWB Day 5

2011-10-20T15:20:00.002+08:00

I dreamed a lot of crazy shit just now. Going to jot it down here, so it might not really make much sense. After all, it was a dream.

Went up a hill to eat with her at some coffee shop place. I wanted a yam desert but they did not sell it there. Anyway I ordered a double cheese burger - ala carte - and used coins to pay. Many coins. 5 cents, 10 cents, and 20 cents. The coins changed into stones while I was counting them. We took a 171 bus down the hill after I ordered, but I did not eat.

We sat next to each other. I held her close. That was nice. I alighted outside my house while she continued on. On hindsight I should have sent her home. But then, dreams take their own strange course.

I realised I left my bag back on top of the hill. I drove a really fast car and my sister and brother were following behind me. I was swerving around the road, accidentally signalling and what not, causing my siblings much anxiety. Later I did crash after pulling some major stunt in the tunnel. But I still managed to land on 4 wheels and quickly pull the car out of the oncoming traffic!

I reached the building where some guy left a message in my bag telling me he did not take my bag because there was the colourful set of markers in it so he assumed I was a young kid and did not want to break my heart taking off with it. I tried looking for the person upstairs but could not manage to identify the person.

I woke up then because it started to rain and I needed to bring in my socks that were hanging out to dry.

Many of my old friends are here at this camp. It has been great catching up with them. Missing the old times. But then, got to keep looking ahead, forging forward. Making the best of myself.

XWB day 4

2011-10-19T05:50:00.003+08:00

Time here is 2 hours faster than home. It is 8 here now. If I was in Singapore, I would have still been in bed.

The weather the past few days has been cold. It has been raining. The wet ground has made my boots muddy, leaving no trace of the fresh all-black boots I brought with me here. I hope the sun would come out this afternoon so my clothes can dry.

The food here is all well and good. I just had mee rubus for breakfast. Sadly, I did not manage to wake up for my morning run. Perhaps I slept too late last night. I will strive to sleep by ten tonight. I need to lose weight.

Four days has passed. Another sixteen more.

Wallaby

2011-10-15T02:19:00.002+08:00

Will be leaving Singapore this evening.

Wanted you to know, but I guess you cannot be bothered anymore. Why do I even care?
I wonder if you have moved on.
I suppose you have.
Why did I even decide to talk?
Maybe I should have held my silence.
Wonder if we can still be friends.
Will I ever find another?

Anyway, I hope I will have a safe and meaningful experience over there.
Then I can come back and ORD.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to be around for my mother's and brother's birthdays.
I am sure the rest will make it a joyful occasion for them, without me.

Because humans are dispensable. I am dispensable.
Life goes on whether I am around or not.

Fiction

2011-10-13T10:12:00.002+08:00

I just finished reading the chronicles of Thomas Covenant, The Unbeliever. When I first picked up the book, I must admit that the title did draw me in more than a little! Anyway, the trilogy is worth the read.

Some of my friends, they choose not to read fiction. They prefer non-fiction. They feel that fiction is for entertainment value, not for learning. But I feel differently. Any good fiction story is good not because of the plot. Rather the crux of a meaningful story is the message it conveys.

In Thomas Covenant, the protagonist struggles with his own internal conflicting desires throughout the book. From an anti-social, pessimistic, stubborn, antipathetic hollow shell of a person, he learns to love, care, hope and find an answer to his own illness.

I love living.

Greatness

2011-09-30T22:58:00.003+08:00

Of late I have been meaning to write about greatness.

What separates a great person from an ordinary one? What difference is there?

What if all ordinary people had the potential for greatness? That would mean that I too can be great. What did heroes of old and new do in order to surpass their ordinariness and step into greatness? Perhaps I may be able to follow in their footsteps and be great as well.

But doubt is never far away. Already I chide myself for falling prey to such thinking. The lust for such greatness in guarantees the failure of the quest. How can one be great when his character is flawed by greed for power? Such a person may become powerful but never great. He is a tyrant, not a lord.

A great person is one who has strength, not necessarily physically, but strength of character. He has impressive mettle and meets challenges courageously. He pushes through no matter the difficulties and perils. I would also like to say that he knows no fear, but that would be lying. He knows the danger and risks, he is on the brink of despair. He may be fighting a hopeless cause. But he never falters from his principles. He never does anything without meticulous concern. He does not make mindless sacrifices. Everything he does, he does for the best of the people around him.

A great person is one knows the pain of loss and hardship, and still comes out untainted and uncorrupted.

I too want to be great.
But I know it will not be easy.
Self-denial and rigorous discipline. If I can stick to this, maybe I will be mature enough for other greater matters.

Now I just sound like a masochist. But you get me wrong. I am only trying to be an ascetic. Trying to be great.

Driving

2011-09-29T00:43:00.003+08:00

I will be having my driving test later in the evening.

I wonder how I will fare. I hope my clutch control does not fail me later.
I have not been able to practice all week due to my lousy chicken pox virus.

That, however, is no excuse.

Focus. Focus. Focus.
The next couple of hours till the test shall be spent driving my imaginary car.
I shall check the imaginary blind spots.
I shall do the imaginary safety drills.

I feel like I am doing last minute cramming for examinations.

Haha, it has been awhile since I have laughed at myself.
Because maybe all this talk will just be talk, and I will be distracted by my piano or story book.
Just another go at the keyboard, or just another chapter.

Focus. Focus.
As with all examinations, priorities must be set.
Go through with this grueling task, and conquer it once and for all.

I feel sad that my blogging has been reduced to incongruous rants.
Never mind. I will work my way slowly but surely into a more coherent writer.

Twenty.

2011-09-28T00:34:00.002+08:00

You know, I was thinking that I am already out of my teens.

I should start behaving more like an adult.
But what exactly are the connotations of being an adult?

Independence?
Inter-dependence?

Motivated?
Goal-oriented?

I know what I want. I want to peak my physical strength and health.
I want mastery of my body.

But it is hard to keep that end in mind, when many times I wonder about the other aspects of me. What of spirituality? What of my mental development? I have not been brushing up on critical thinking or physics concepts recently. What of the social dimension? I am closing up like a clam. Narrowing down my circle of friends to just a minute few. What of the emotional health? Can I control my emotions as well as I think I can? Or is suppressing them counter-active?

Five flags to capture, yet I am only heading towards one.

Time to up the notch and aim for the second as well.
Mental development.
Time to hit the books.

Got to keep focused on the horizon. I will get there some day.

Lonely soul

2011-09-24T19:52:00.001+08:00

What do I want out of my life?

I seem no closer to the answer, yet my life as I know it is falling apart.

Recovery

2011-09-22T12:30:00.002+08:00

It seems to me that wisdom teeth extraction is not as painful to me as other people make it out to be. My mouth is not swelling up nor hurting, so perhaps the plethora of medication is helping. On the other hand, maybe the Chicken Pox itch is overpowering any sensation of pain in my mouth.

My itch seems to have gotten better already, with the urge to scratch peaking the day before. Bathing sucks too because it makes me want to scratch those blisters so badly. I look like I am having a major outbreak of pimples all over my face and body. I hope I can recover by this weekend.

MC

2011-09-20T09:05:00.002+08:00

I still can taste blood in my mouth.

After removing my left two wisdom teeth yesterday, I asked the nurse about my little blisters on my arm. She told me I had chicken pox. After checking with the doctor at the A&E, he confirmed that I was down with chicken pox. At least that explained why my body felt so sore and hot over the past few days. It was the fever.

Anyway my mouth aches only slightly, probably because the pain is being relieved by the countless medications I was prescribed.

But my mouth is still bleeding from yesterday. I can taste the blood in my mouth. That does not sound too good, does it?

Genting with the guys

2011-09-19T01:30:00.002+08:00

Back from Genting.

Overall the trip was interesting. Stayed over at his place on Thursday night after having supper at Mr Prata. The meal was so sinful, especially with the Milo Godzilla, which is like Milo Dinosaur but with a bad-ass scoop of ice cream to top it off. Watched 13 Assassins before turning in for the night.

On Friday morning, some of us were late for the coach so they had to meet us straight at Tuas checkpoint. The bus journey itself was uneventful, spent on snoozing and toilet breaks. When we reached Hotel First World, we checked in and had MarryBrown for dinner. We felt that it was not worth the money. Later, we decided to try the haunted house and also the Ripley's museum. There was one corridor with a spinning barrel that was absolutely fantastic. The optical illusion actually messes up your sense of balance. We also stayed up that night to play cards.

The next day saw us waking up for our buffet breakfast and touring the theme park. We managed to cajole our friend into taking the teacup ride with us, leaving him dizzy and nauseous for most of the day. We caught the midnight movie screening Johnny English Reborn. It was comical and left you feeling good. But I doubt I could be tempted into watching it again.

The last day was spent lazing in bed and traveling back home. Enough said.

Did I mention that I got myself a tattoo?
(A temporary airbrushed one. But a tattoo nevertheless.)

Piano

2011-09-13T00:55:00.004+08:00

Started playing the piano again.

My friend got me interested in playing again when he uploaded his video of him playing Pirates of the Caribbean theme.

He took 4 months.
Hopefully I have the determination to achieve his level too.

A pretty packed Friday for leave

2011-09-09T10:23:00.003+08:00

I am on leave today. But I will be going down to the west side for my driving. It has been more than a week since my last lesson. I wonder how I will do later. Need to be faster in my actions and more confident. Not very sure if I remember the steps for parking though. Looks like I will probably have to use my gut sense then.

Going to have lunch, swim and gym with Gab after that. Going to work hard.

Maybe then I will find fulfillment.

20

2011-09-07T00:31:00.002+08:00

No, I say. You knew me. You knew that person, but you don't know the person that I'm trying to become.

Like the Wind

2011-09-05T18:03:00.003+08:00

After running the half marathon yesterday, met up with Pat and Gab to gym. As usual, we worked on our chest, or as Gab likes to put it, our breasts. We trained, we laughed, we talked about the week ahead.

They were going out for dinner with their old colleagues. They mentioned that their friend was very hard to get. If you had things in common with him, he would be one of your best mates. But once he started doing separate things, he would just lose touch with the clique.

I suppose I am like that too. What is there to talk about when there is no common topic to be found between two parties? I wonder if I will lose Pat and Gab as well.

Like the wind, I come and go.

I wonder if I will ever find my roots, hm?

Non-conformity

2011-09-01T11:14:00.002+08:00

Should I choose this path to tread,
I will turn my face from you.
With only water and bread,
And a single task to do.

Now I cast away the dark,
but am blinded by the glare.
Was I too soon to embark?
I am lost in my despair.

What carries me through the days,
Is the hope of the future.
That I may prove this always,
that my path is superior.

Every step forward I take,
I must take with conviction.
To stay constantly awake,
And not swayed by distraction.

I may walk slowly, but I never walk backwards.
- Abraham Lincoln

Irrational Reason

2011-08-16T23:10:00.003+08:00

What separates makes humans any different from other animals?

Emotions? Animals have emotions. Animals feel fear, love, excitement, joy, dejection.

The faculty of reason must be what makes us higher animals.
With this special faculty, we are able to rationalize every unreasonable idea. We prop unreliable ideas up with solid assertions, believing them with unshakable conviction.

Because of reason, we become irrational.

We live in a world of delusions. A world where war is justified, where torture is endorsed, where every form of vice has a perfect excuse to exist.

Feeling lost

2011-07-20T20:43:00.002+08:00

Until I find the ultimate meaning of my life, I feel as if I am wandering aimlessly...

I am thinking of the quote "It is not the destination that is important, but the journey."

I really want to believe that there is more to this world than materialism. I really want to believe in the supernatural. But then the skeptic in me does not release my own need for evidence. Where is the proof for the supernatural? If only I could perceive... if it is true at all.

Broken

2011-07-12T22:47:00.001+08:00

Today I went over to her place to get the library book.

Talked to her mum for a while.

Took the book, then I left.

I am not proud.

Today I am broken.

On drugs and meditation

2011-07-04T09:46:00.002+08:00

Looks like my path to truth is taking me every on a helluva ride.

From books, to drugs, to meditation. How many of these things are true?
Of course, I have not tried the drugs.
Because it is prohibited by law in this country.

If I was staying in another country where psycho-active drugs were freely available, I would have dabbled with it already. The truth is, the consciousness is hardly understood by modern science. And perhaps it is because consciousness is not of this physical plane, therefore it cannot be measured by physical means. That is why an exploration into the mind is so appealing to me.

Since drugs are inaccessible to myself, I turn towards other drug-free alternatives. My parents would think I am crazy for wanting to try drugs anyway. But just so you know, not all drugs are addictive. In fact, some psychoactive drugs are pretty unpleasant - it induces nausea and vomiting. Who would want to try it for fun? As for the alternatives, meditation seemed like the way to go.

My friend got interested in astral projection and lucid dreaming and psychic powers as well. Personally I am not too sure about that, but I decided to start recording my dreams. This went well for the first few days. Sadly, for the last week, I have not been able to remember any of my dreams. Meditation does not seem to be working for me either, though I have gotten a spinning sensation twice in all my attempts. Or perhaps my mind was only imagining it.

That of course, is a very difficult thing to understand because my mind is the only thing I have to perceive all reality. If my mind imagines something, how do I know if it is not real in that sense? Sorry, I am beginning to ramble. I will try to elaborate on this more elegantly in the future.

Other than that, I do not know if I am on the right track for achieving Nirvana or the Ultimate Truth. In fact, I do not even hope to know so much at first. All I want is a reassurance that there is at least something greater out there. A vision of a different dimension, irrefutable evidence (in my mind) that we are not alone.

By the way I have not stopped playing DotA.

Love from the Bible

2010-09-05T18:42:00.003+08:00

Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, It does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.

1st letter from St Paul to the Corinthians, Chapter 13.

Unfinished post on the need for acknowledgment

2010-07-30T23:42:00.003+08:00

Let's face it. How many of us here are independent?

How many of us can actually say: "I am independent."?

I know we've all had dreams of being independent, as all kids growing up do. We want to make our own decisions, exude an air of confidence and poise, being self-sufficient. Many of the people I know have stopped being kids and started being, well, adults. They do their own thing, dress to kill in their smart suit or sexy dress, and get their own job to support their lifestyle. They have passed through some intangible barrier from child to grown-up by simply being independent.

Or are they?

If we could peel a person open like an onion, right down to the last layer, what would we find? Would he truly be independent? Or does he have darker motives within? Since young, we have craved for attention. From the earliest moments, we wanted to be cared for, loved, nurtured. Growing up is no different. We want our parents to look at us, be proud of us. We seek our friends approval. We love the encouragement and for people to cheer us on. We expect gratitude when we help others.

Well, it has been a long time since I have touched this.
And I shall leave this post unfinished.

Aimless wandering

2010-05-16T20:25:00.001+08:00

What do I want?

Caught up

2010-04-15T17:45:00.002+08:00

Remember the quote by Socrates, the unexamined life is not worth living? Well, to be honest, I have not been doing any solid reflection for a while now.

What has happened in my life?

I got caught up with many things. My holiday trip to Thailand and Vietnam, enlistment into army, and also going out more than ever.

Carpe Diem

2010-04-11T13:48:00.002+08:00

I will act now. I will act now. I will act now. Henceforth, I will repeat these words each hour, each day, everyday, until the words become as much a habit as my breathing, and the action which follows becomes as instinctive as the blinking of my eyelids. With these words I can condition my mind to perform every action necessary for my success. I will act now. I will repeat these words again and again and again. I will walk where failures fear to walk. I will work when failures seek rest. I will act now for now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labor of the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure. I will act now. Success will not wait. If I delay, success will become wed to another and lost to me forever. This is the time. This is the place. I am the person.

~ Augustine A. Mandino

The significance of one's actions.

2010-04-02T23:10:00.001+08:00

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
~ Mahatma Gandhi

The big picture. Can you grasp it? Can you even place your finger it? Do you understand how huge this universe is? Civilizations rise and fall. Heroes turn to legends. Legends to myths. The present falls back into history. History becomes lost. In the end, all is forgotten. The human species is young. Much younger than one million years. The age of the Earth, more than four billion. And you can count on the age of the universe to be greater than the previous digits mentioned. Estimated to be more than thirteen billion years old.

Insignificance. Do you understand what it means? How many countless souls have lived and died before us? How many of them do we remember? How many are forgotten? What about the people alive here today? Does the farmer on his farmland matter? Does the head of some company matter? No one is indispensable. The world will continue on.

In a few million years time, will anyone matter? If the human race becomes extinct, what legacy - if any - will be left?

So the question remains. Why is it important for me to do whatever I will do?

I only have one answer. This is my life. If I do not make full use of it, it is my life that I waste. I am not going to get a second chance. This is the meaning of my life.

What we do in life, echoes in eternity.
~Maximus, from Gladiator

Homesick

2010-01-27T13:08:00.001+08:00

I have completed the Thailand leg of my trip, and am now in Vietnam.

Homesick. Yes.

Sailor dream

2010-01-24T23:43:00.000+08:00

When I met a sailor on the bus to Patong beach, his occupation seemed to be so ridiculously appealing to me.

A simple bunk and living quarters. Routine schedule. Days on end of open sea. Will definitely have time for myself.

Oh well.

Holidays

2010-01-17T11:08:00.001+08:00

I am off to Thailand now.

Sorry Ashley.

2010-01-16T23:38:00.001+08:00

In asking myself whether I will ever become permanently emotionally attached, I wonder what made me the way I am. Do I think to much? Is it a stoic influence brought about by a fatalist view of the world? Why can I just get up and walk away from a relationship that I would otherwise treasure tenderly?

Should I walk back and sit back down? I do not know. I am left only with my indecisiveness. And so I let my indecision decide for me. Every breath of inaction I take stirs a breeze to drift us apart.

I really am sorry for the tears and heartache. I never meant for things to turn out this way.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

What if you were the love of my life?

Broken up.

2010-01-14T23:41:00.001+08:00

At least now I know why people drown themselves in work.

The Happy Prince

2010-01-09T00:09:00.002+08:00

‘Who are you?’ he said.

‘I am the Happy Prince.’

‘Why are you weeping then?’ asked the Swallow; ‘you have quite drenched me.’

"When I was alive and had a human heart," answered the statue, "I did not know what tears were, for I lived in the palace of Sans-Souci, where sorrow is not allowed to enter. In the daytime I played with my companions in the garden, and in the evening I led the dance in the Great Hall. Round the garden ran a very lofty wall, but I never cared to ask what lay beyond it, everything about me was so beautiful. My courtiers called me the Happy Prince, and happy indeed I was, if pleasure be happiness. So I lived, and so I died. And now that I am dead they have set me up here so high that I can see all the ugliness and all the misery of my city, and though my heart is made of lead yet I cannot choose but weep."

~The Happy Prince by Oscar Wilde

If you have the time, you should read the full story.

How much are you willing to give so as to bring joy into the life of another person? The Happy Prince gave all of himself. The Swallow gave up its life. Their hearts were filled with goodness, yet no good worldly end came to either of them. Why did they do what they did? They did not love the ugliness and misery of the world. They wanted to make the world a happier place. They acted. They did not wait for others to ask for help. They did not assume that another person would be the good Samaritan. They put their feelings into action.

Maybe, if you sense some one in need yet lapse into inaction, you do not really wish with your heart and soul to spread joy throughout the world. Has personal convenience or bias overcome the prerogative to bring a smile to the other?

Maybe you believe that ugliness and misery is inevitable, and that trying to alleviate the pain remains a futile and worthless cause. However, if you believe that every bit of love given counts, then never hesitate, never hold back. The actions of a person should always be an extension of the principles held.

While I believe that ugliness and misery will always exist, I also believe that my friends happiness are left in my charge. And I will try my utmost best to improve the lives of the people in my life.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
~Mahatma Ghandi

Battle not with monsters or risk becoming one.

2009-12-29T16:18:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, when emotions run high, people tend to lose all sense of compassion. In rage, they forget their own humanity. They become beasts. They commit atrocities. They bask in cruelty. They want to destroy lives.

Fights - any kind of fights, whether fistfights, riots, civil wars or invasions - are crucibles for the production of these beasts. In the heat of battle, perfectly reasonable acquaintances morph into perfectly unreasonable strangers.

The hardest thing to come to terms with is that, these inhuman monsters that plague humanity, are in fact people who otherwise live their lives normally. They eat, they sleep, they laugh, they cry, they live, they die. In other circumstances, they could have been your friends.

You know this, and you really hope that things would not turn ugly. You want to explain how alike you are. You want to explain how we could work with each other instead of against each other. You want to explain that peace is better than violence. You want to, but they would not listen. You feel so helpless, so impotent, at changing this. You do not want conflict, but you are at a loss because you do not know how to get them to see eye-to-eye with you.

Perhaps you may decide to wait a while. Hoping against hopes that they do a full turn and make peace with you. What if your hopes were unfounded, and they continue to hurt you and humiliate you? Deep inside you, is there a festering wound growing? Are you a ticking time bomb? Will there finally be a day when you snap?

"Stand up for yourself," the little grudge held in your heart calls out, "do not take this abuse any longer."

You take some time to organize your thoughts. You have tried peaceful approaches. That method did not work. You gave enough chances to them. They refused to listen. You resolve to lash back out at them, not as revenge, but to end your own suffering at their hands. Your actions and words become weapons against others. You choose to abuse them and hurt them. You want to destroy their lives. And then, you become a monster yourself.

Do not deny that you allowed your baser emotions overwhelm you. The mark of a human is not rational thinking. It is compassion. A program with simple algorithms could think rationally. Compassion is found in the heart, not the head. A person who rationalized his anger is more dangerous than one who has not, because now he is convinced that his cause is just. He believes that he has the right to exact punishment.

In your helplessness, be aware of what you lose when you choose retaliation.

"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Good for me? But I do not want that.

2009-12-25T20:23:00.003+08:00

"Thing that got me was not her list of things she hated, since she was obviously crazy as a Cyborg, but fact that always somebody agreed with her prohibitions. Must be a yearning deep in human heart to stop other people from doing as they please. Rules, laws— always for other fellow. A murky part of us, something we had before we came down out of trees, and failed to shuck when we stood up. Because not one of those people said: "Please pass this so that I won't be able to do something I know I should stop." Nyet, tovarishchee, was always something they hated to see neighbors doing. Stop them "for their own good" — not because speaker claimed to be harmed by it."

"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."

~ From The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress by Robert A. Heinlein

If you had a limited supply of an experimental drug that may or may not cure a person, would you give it to a willing or unwilling party? Suppose the unwilling patient has been taking this drug for 18 months already, but now wishes to discontinue the prescription. Another, very enthusiastic, patient wants to start on this experimental medication. What would you do? The drug is purported to have immediate positive effects, as long as it is taken, and is said to do the willing patient much good once he takes his doses.

Would you insist, to the extent of threatening, that the unwilling patient continue the unproved treatment for three more months before he can finally make his own decision? Note that while doing this, you are denying the other willing party of the medicine.

No, I did not want to go to church today.
Nor do I want to go on any other days, for that matter.

The sad truth of equal opportunity.

2009-12-18T00:29:00.003+08:00

I read an article, titled "Anti-rich feelings spike in China", online just now.

...

Few are like Ms Xiao Xiaowei, a self-employed 24-year- old from Wuhan, who said she actually respected the rich, especially billionaires.

"It's true that some of them get rich illegally or at the expense of the poor, but getting rich surely requires some other qualities, such as excellent interpersonal skills ," Ms Xiao said.

Ms Chang said she had worked hard to be able to buy an apartment and a car.

"If those people have the time to hate us and envy us, why don't they spend the time working, using diligence and intelligence?" she asked rhetorically.

...

- China Daily/Asia News Network

I think we should understand that not every one has the same opportunities in life. Even if two people work equally hard, they will not be equally rewarded, because no two people are ever in the same context or situation. The opportunities awarded to them are different. That is the sad truth of the world.

Sick

2009-12-13T22:44:00.003+08:00

I fell sick last night.
Maybe it is all the consecutive late nights taking a toll on my health.
Spent the whole of today suffering, and trying to recuperate.

It has been so long since I have felt so weak. Not to mention the muscle ache!

The Soulforge

2009-12-08T12:07:00.001+08:00

"The blade must pass through the fire, else it will break."
~Par-Salian

End of A levels

2009-12-02T11:12:00.000+08:00

I am FREE!!!

Indomitable will

2009-11-26T23:31:00.000+08:00

愚公移山 (Yu Gong Yi Shan)

In ancient times, there was an old man in front of whose house were two high mountains, making it very inconvenient for him to come and go. He gathered his family and started to level the mountains. His neighbor scoffed, "You are foolish. You are too old and weak to level a small hill, let along two big mountains." But the old man said, "I have sons, and my sons have sons. I will have endless progeny, but the mountains won't grow any higher." The spirit of the "Foolish Old Man" moved Heaven, and it sent two immortals to move the mountains away.

This idiom describes an indomitable will.

Source: http://history.cultural-china.com/en/38History892.html

End of DotA

2009-11-25T23:46:00.000+08:00

I have quit DotA.

For good.

Why worry? Why hope? Save time and act now!

2009-11-11T13:11:00.005+08:00

I am feeling pretty bloated after my lunch. At least now I understand what others mean by a heavy meal. It is raining outside. Such cool weather, just after lunch, is sure to lull me to sleep. And to sleep I shall go, but not before I blog.

So the examinations have begun. I still have a long way to go, but I am still brimming with anticipation. I have never been one who bothered myself with the future - I always tell myself that whatever will be, will be. But now I am filled with dreams of post-examination life, bursting with enthusiasm for what will be.

Time to take a step back and take a good measure of the situation I am in.

I detest worrying for the future. Worrying does not solve the problem. Worrying does not make it go away. Active work does. As the song by Bobby McFerrin, Don't Worry, Be Happy, goes: In every life we have some trouble when you worry you make it double. Practically speaking, is the most inefficient thing to do. I still think that worrying is useless.

Similarly, we can hope for the future, and be enthusiastic about it. Is there any use of hope, then? If we always compare the bright future with our pale present, we stop living in the present and always try to reach the intangible future. We fail to recognise the joys we already have currently because we are all too engrossed in the unknown future. Given that what we wish for comes true, does it mean we become happy? Would we still be happy if we had some thing new, some thing better to hope for? Nothing will give us back the days we wasted pining for the future.

Wastage. Both cases, worrying and hoping, boils down to wasted time. I believe that there is a limit to which a person should fret and dream. Upon hitting that limit, one should immediately translate the thoughts into positive action. Excess of any would result in useless time wasting. Time that can never be retrieved. That is what I will do. I will make full use of the time I have during my examinations to prepare myself for the post-examination period.

I know my friends share my excitement as well.
But I also know that not all of them treasure all the time they are given.

Hello stranger, let us be friends.

2009-11-09T19:44:00.003+08:00

How many people do we come across every single day?

If I walk down a busy street, like a rushing stream, face after face move past me. I do not acknowledge them, as they similarly ignore myself. Why should either of us approach the other? Why should we bother? We are but strangers, not knowing each others' quirks or penchants. As the distance between us becomes further and further, I quickly realise that I am once again lost in the sea of pedestrians, always moving, heading for some destination unknown to me. Our paths, however close they came together, never crossed.

What would it be like if we had stopped to chat? To bother to learn more about each other? I start to wonder, who are these people I have never met? What are the stories of their lives? Countless memories and rich expanses of experiences that made them who they are today, I will probably never know. My own life, my hope and dreams and aspirations remains unshared yet another time.

What joy we find in the company of those we love. Yet we choose to keep that circle small and exclusive. Why? To realise the potential of a friend in a stranger is one thing. To seek out that friend and multiply the happiness is another.

How many chances to brighten up hearts - not just others' but our own as well - do we come across every single day?

Ignorance, fantasies and guilt.

2009-10-15T22:07:00.004+08:00

What is the difference between living and existing? The former involves going through life with open eyes.

Do you go through life blindly? As a mere face in the crowd? As a dead fish floating down the river? No! We disagree fiercely. We are actively in control of our lives, making autonomous decisions at every instant to chart the course of our destiny.

But are these decisions sound? Are they made carelessly or after much contemplation? It is paramount to stay myself for a moment before rushing into a decision concerning several years - if not the rest - of your life. Without this period of reflection, how would I know if I am being true to my self while making the choice? The undeniable fact is that I can easily be mistaken due to my ignorance, my fantasies or my guilt.

If you want to live, never choose out of ignorance, fantasies or guilt.

When we were young, we naively decided that we would act on our parents' advice when in doubt, because we did not know better. Which school to go to, what clothes to wear, what food to eat, what friends to keep. In due time, we may realise that either this was what we always wanted, or that we found ourselves at odds with the now imposed lifestyle dictated to us.

If I wanted to be rich, famous, good looking and eloquent, then I started a successful business, went for a plastic surgery and completed a public speaking course. What if, at the end of the day, I still find my life empty and hollow? Are these fantasies of mine what I really want out of life, or are they just delusions of what I think I want?

How about times when, out of guilt, you decided to succumb to the pressure and allowed others to manipulate you? Sure, sometimes you feel that their demands are reasonable and so you willingly comply. That is not acting out of guilt. Acting from guilt is when you transgress against your own nature in order to appease someone else. When all is said and done, what is left is only a bitter taste in your mouth.

By recognising these trappings, we can make precautions to avoid them. Never rush into decisions that matter. I have to take time to understand my nature and self. I have to consciously choose a path that agrees with me, and my life would be richer and deeper. I would live, not exist.

Scarcity and its implications

2009-10-04T19:49:00.003+08:00

The central problem of economics is scarcity. Scarcity arises from two fundamental assumptions. First, the resources are limited. Second, that man has unlimited wants. It is easy to understand the former premise, that resources are limited. We have have finite amounts of people, of natural resources on Earth, of time. Even the sun will deplete its fuel for nuclear fusion in the distant future. As for the latter, is that assumption really valid?

The study of economics by so many educated in the world today has led us to believe that man is greedy. Man does not stop at one, or two, or three. Furthermore, the capitalist system promotes and encourages this sort of behavior. Only with great ambition can one get to the top of the financial ladder. Long before we come out of our adolescence, we already hold the notion that it is only "natural" to have infinite wants.

Is it abnormal for one to choose the simple over the extravagant? Is the lack of ambition just plain laziness or an individual's refusal to conform to the greedy ways of society? Or is it a little of both?

While one can always indicate and point out the presence of charity and philanthropy, these ideas are not widespread. The philosophy that reigns supreme in the economy though is profit, profit and profit. Is the cost of advertising worth the earnings from the extra customers? Will the returns from this investment be worth the risk? How much dividends am I paid this quarter? Will decreasing the price increase my revenue supposing the price elasticity of the good is very elastic? Should I work longer for the extra overtime pay? People want to maximize their earnings. They want to increase their surplus. Most people find nothing wrong with this, since it is the "rational" thing to do.

Consider this.

Though there is sufficient food for everyone, 500 million people are still suffering from hunger and disease and even die because they are too poor to buy the food that is already there.... The obese are seeking new cures and the malnourished are offered no remedies. Many pets are pampered while hungry children are forgotten. Is this not a strange phenomenon that historians and economists of future times will undoubtedly consider mysterious and inexplicable?
- Edouard Saouma, 2nd World Food Day, 1982

I do not expect you to believe the statistics above, after all, this statement was made more than twenty years ago. But the situation we all know fairly well enough to be true. Our present theory of economics will never allow us to solve these problems. The present theory wills us to believe that scarcity unavoidable and inevitable.

I want to believe otherwise.

The fuzzy line.

2009-10-01T22:03:00.002+08:00

Today is Childrens' Day celebration. In my school, we do not celebrate this day anymore. I reason that this is due to us students growing older into young adults, and not being considered children anymore.

When does a child become a teenager, or even an adult?

A 5 year old is a child. A 15 year old is a teenager. A 25 year old is an adult. When do these changes happen? Does a child become a teenager at 13 years old? Does he change into a teenager the moment the clock points to midnight on his birthday? When does one become an adult? At the exact time and date he was born, 21 years down the road?

If you pour a bottle of table salt onto the floor, we say that there is a pile of salt on the floor. What if I take away one grain of salt? Is there a pile of salt on the table? If I take away another grain is the pile of salt still remaining? Suppose I continue to remove the salt grain by grain until there is only one grain left. Do I call that a pile of salt on the floor? At what point did the pile become a sprinkle?

It is impossible to choose any single point to distinguish between a pile and sprinkle. Any point chosen would be purely arbitrary and not absolute. Similarly, there is no clear line between child, teenager or adult. The transition between these categories is fuzzy and continuous. It is not a discrete change from one form to another. As we grow older, we become less and less like a child and more and more like an adult in a gradual process.

That being said, I see yearly birthdays as an arbitrary choice. One could celebrate their birth on any other day and any other time. Why celebrate our birth yearly? Why not monthly or biennially? Why at midnight and not at the exact time we were born?

Like a pile of salt, and like our status as children or adults, many other things cannot be clearly distinguished and are merely arbitrary decisions made by other people. For example, the metre was historically defined by the French Academy of Sciences as the length between two marks on a platinum-iridium bar, which was designed to represent one ten-millionth of the distance from the Equator to the North Pole through Paris. A second is defined as the duration of 9,192,631,770 periods of the radiation corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground state of the caesium 133 atom. How about the number of hours in a day? Why are there 24 hours? Why not 10? Why not 20? All these distinctions are results of other peoples' judgments.

Most of us live in this world abiding by standards and rules other people have set and defined for us without us even realising it.

Existential account of Freewill

2009-09-30T22:13:00.002+08:00

To a theist, the meaning of life is something determined by God before hand. Before God created everything, God had an idea of what He wanted us to be, and created us with a plan for us in mind. Thus, to a theist, essence precedes existence.

To an atheist, existence precedes essence. There is no such predetermined essence to be found in man. What essence we have is purely defined by how we create and live our lives.

Man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world - and defines himself afterwards.
- Jean-Paul Sartre

There are implications of this view on human nature. An existentialist experiences anguish and absurdity. He realises that existence is inherently meaningless, or that a meaningful life can at any point lose all its purpose. He also realises that he, and only he is responsible his entire life, except for the very origin of this responsibility.

I am responsible for everything except for my very responsibility, for I am not the foundation of my being. Therefore everything takes place as if I were compelled to be responsible. I am abandoned in the world, not in the sense that I might remain abandoned and passive in a hostile universe like a board floating on the water, but rather in the sense that I find myself suddenly alone and without help, engaged in a world for which I bear the whole responsibility without being able, whatever I do, to tear myself away from this responsibility for an instant.
- Jean-Paul Sartre

An existentialist cannot avoid responsibility. The inescapable condition of human life is the requirement of choosing something and accepting responsibility for the consequences that follow. An existentialist cannot blame others. Any choice made is a choice made alone. This freedom is not something that we can claim or set aside. It was thrust forcefully upon us the moment we began to exist.

We can choose everything except the choice of being able to choose in the first place.

On meeting opposing expectations

2009-09-27T22:31:00.007+08:00

My life. Who does it belong to? Does my life belong to God, my parents, my posterity or myself? Do you think it strange that I should call this life my life, yet attribute its rights to another? I know I do. That is why I believe that this life is mine to decide, mine to choose.

But I cannot. I am inevitably bound by moral obligation to please others around me by acting according to their expectations. Would it be difficult to defy an order from one who has malicious intents? No, because they wish you harm, they should be ignored and avoided. Any instructions from them is not reliable. What if the advice came from one who cares for you? Even if the advice goes against logic or your own desires and wishes, you cannot easily reject their words. In fact, if you value the relationship, you might concede a fair bit of your judgment or dreams just to appease the opposite party.

Moral obligation. A detestable thing when what others expect from us opposes our own expectations of ourselves.

How could I say such a thing? Is not moral obligation the glue which holds our society together, the pillar of strength of the community?

Yet because of this obligation, we give up a part of ourselves and put on facades. We hide the truth, distort the truth and destroy the truth just to become what others want us to be. Does this life belong to them? If you, like me, believe that your life belongs to yourself, then why do we still allow ourselves to be caught by guilt trips? Slowly but surely, we bury ourselves under the layers of costume we force ourselves to wear. We lose our selves.

Cheers, to being the perfect image of what others want us to be.

On growing up.

2009-09-26T13:58:00.003+08:00

What exactly is so great about growing up? Why do children wish to be adults? What perks are there? Why do these kids prefer adulthood to childhood? I have some guesses of the benefits that they assume come with age. Power, maturity of thought, respect and most of all, autonomy. Freedom. Every man, woman and child wants freedom. As a child, he is subject to the directions of authoritative figures in his life; Parents, teachers, coaches, seniors. There is no freedom! He is merely a slave, obeying the orders of his masters. Grow up, grow up quickly! It does not take long for the young adult to realise that freedom is not automatically attained with an extra couple of years. Now, he has responsibilities to fulfill and expectations to meet. When that happens, he begins to long for his younger years when responsibility was a burden for someone else to carry. Oh, how he misses the freedom enjoyed when he was small. The grass is always greener on the other side.

But wait, how can one say that there is no freedom? We have freewill, so we can choose whichever path we wish too take. When we were young, we could not possibly decide which path would lead us to the best conclusion, hence we entrusted others to make this decision for us. These people guided us along the way, teaching us to distinguish between good from bad, desirable from disgusting, truth from illusion. Armed with these scales we feel confident of striking it out in the world alone. We have the freedom to choose now. The teenager can choose to skip school or attend lessons. The young adult can select a can of beer over a glass of water anytime. We have freedom, right?

Open your eyes, what we have here is only an illusion of freedom. Since young we have been indoctrinated with the idea that we have to fulfill responsibilities, we have to return favours, we have to help others in need, we have to complete our duties, we have to follow social norms. This has been so effective that we are feel absolutely compelled to follow these standards, with failure resulting in feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Where is freedom in this? We are being forced into a single path of obedience without even realising it. This dread of disappointing others has us bound by the wrists. Exercise some choice. Cleanse yourself of your old notion of social norms. Do whatever suits you. By all means, disappoint others. Because moral obligation only applies to those who subscribe to that particular idea of ethics.